CSR Standards Humor

We are happy to lighten your day with a bit of Standards/Measurement humor.

Engineering Humor

Unit of beauty required to launch one shipmilli-Helen
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement bananosecond
A Half-Bath 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey
1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones 1 phone
1 million phones 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles 2 megacycles
365.25 days 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds two kilomockingbirds
10 cards 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos 1 gigolo
10 rations 1 decoration
100 rations 1 C-ration
10 millipedes 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents 1 decadent
10 monologs 5 dialogs
5 dialogs 1 decalog
2 monograms 1 diagram
8 nickels 2 paradigms
2 wharves 1 paradox

Engineering Humor

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two male engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To a pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."[dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark, $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want for a week." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten

Four engineers were driving to a conference together when their car stopped dead in the road. The Electrical Engineer said it was clearly a wiring problem and they needed to check the fuses. The Chemical Engineer said obviously it was a clog in the fuel line - all they needed to do was clean the fuel filter. The Mechanical Engineer said that they were all mistaken - surely it had thrown a rod and they needed to rebuild the engine. They all waited for the Software Engineer to say something, as he just sat there. Finally they asked him what he thought was wrong. He shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know maybe if we get out of the car and get back in it'll start."

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This page was last updated December 2, 2005.

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